March 2005

Guess what?! My blog has had a total revamp!!!!!!!!!! My good friend and webmaster, Jay Roberts stayed up till about 3:00am switching blogs, totally changing my template and take a looky at my new header. You may have noticed some other changes to: New fonts and colors for my text, the side bullets are now glorious glasses of absinthe. Jason drew the absinthe glasses by hand they remind me of the treasure rooms in Wolfenstein!!! You may have also noticed the new picture of your’s truly on the right hand side. Of all things that are holy, my o’ my am I sexy (in my own mind). Anywho, I just thought I would tell everyone about this (not that you can’t see it) I love it. Tell me what you think. Use the new comment system, click below. Woo!!!

…What does it mean and where does it come from? An essay.

You’d think that with my free time that I would… complete my homework. Thought wrong sucka’! I always promise myself every weekend I’ll get all my homework done and then enjoy myself. It’s a nice thought. I usually end up waiting till the last moment and Then blitzkrieg, Bob’s your uncle, trot the dogwalk, park the car and fly through the homework kinda stuff. It’s not fun but, I do usually write better papers on the fly. I don’t know, I guess you can say that if I have to think before I speak: It…just…sounds…boring….really….boring.

Final summation: None.

Rumors have been spead, the word has leaked out…I was thinking about transfering to Plattsburgh State (SUNY Plattsburgh) but, as I went to the admissions office to do the deed, I was slapped. Slapped with the truth from the advisor. I have over 97 credits and PSU will only take 80 something. If I stay at Albany I will have 23 credits to go to graduate. Here I would have over a year longer to go. I want out of college, as much as I want to leave SUNY Albany. I won’t. I want to be done college very badly. I prayed and prayed about this (transfering) and I told God if He wanted me to go to PSU to open the door, if not close it… The door at this point appears to be closed, a trunk put in front of the door and John Goodman sitting on it holding Roseanne. Oh well, there are worst things in life. I can’t really complain. My grades are good, I AM HEALED, engaged and as far as I know, no outstanding warrants for my arrest are out (I hope). So I guess in the end, it still comes down to God’s will. Wouldn’t it be nice, if God wrote us a map telling us: Who we would marry, what we would do for a living, or how many kids we would have, if any. I think though if someone would have told me that when I was younger, I would end up being a lawyer, marrying a girl and having a son before I turn 22. I think I would have laughed and then shot myself. When I was younger I would have thought of all this as a joke. Getting married. Having a child. Living in Albany. Now though as I look at my life how it is, I must say, I quite enjoy it.

I know it’s been over a week but, I’ve been busy… with tests and midterms to boot. This is it though; my last day then I will be on vacation. I have to tell you though faithful readers and blogging elite; it’s been a wild week. Before I go any further though, I want to tell you something, something very important. On Sunday, the 13th of March, I was healed. Now you ask me of what?! Well…for those who don’t know me well, know me but, don’t know here’s the story. Over ten years ago, I was a junkie, a drug addict. I used inhalants such as: glue, paint, cleaner, gas, DDT (in the late 80’s it was in pesticides) and a myriad of other products. I used them everyday, several times a day, for three years straight. From when I got on the bus in the morning, till I went to bed at home. How old was I do you ask? I was nine years old. How did I start? Seniors on the bus asked me if I wanted to get “stoned”, I didn’t know what it meant, till I did it and oh man! Did I find out it was wonderful, marvelous (Anyone who has used inhalants can tell you the high is something between LSD and Heroin. You see things, you fly, and you also are calmed and sleep like you just shot up heroin.) (www.inhalants.org) Till you come down to the“glue hangover” it’s similar to the worst hangover you’ve had in your life and add 5-7 hours in length to it. Why did I not stop? It’s an addiction mental as well as physical.
Nine years old, getting stoned out of my mind, to escape the world even as a kid I knew it wasn’t a very nice place. As it goes my blogging brethren, time moved on but, so did my addiction. I had already O.D. (Over Dosed) quite a few times (shortness of breath, passing out, shaking, blood coming out of your nose, pain…) and even though now, I was only twelve years old that I was going to die if I continued the path I was going down. I just couldn’t stop. Now, I had always been forced to go to church by my parents, I really never wanted to go. Call me rebellious, I guess. One night thought they were holding an Evangelistic meetings with Tiff Shuttlesworth. Now the only reason, I went was because, at the time I thought Tiff was one of the best lead guitarists I had ever seen (Remember I was young) so I went to see him play. Man was he good, I watched and then he had a message. Blood and Fire, hell and brimstone but, that’s not what caught my attention so much. It was the Holy Spirit talking to me during his altar call forward saying things such as “Brian, Don’t you know I’ve always been here for you. I’ve never left you; you’ll never have to face anything alone again. I love you.” I got up faster than the Tiff could call people forward. I asked Jesus Christ into my heart. The most important and crucial thing I have ever done in my life. Or ever will do and I have never regretted it a day in my life. Someone who is always there for you and will never leave you, where can you get that on this earth? Nowhere. Oh yes, I WAS HEALED! The moment they prayed for me my addiction was gone! I never even had the desire to do it again; my drug addiction that lasted three years was completely and utterly vanished. God is good. That’s not the end of the story my friends. All actions have consequences. From the years of drug abuse, I have had inherited many health problems. Brain damage, I can’t think past 9:45pm my ability to function, to talk, to walk, and to understand just falls. Physical damage: My muscles in my body shake all the time, my muscles in my body convulse, violently. I have difficulty walking, my knees give way and I fall all the time. The pain, the pain is indescribable. Constant is the only word I can give you to understand it. Until this last Sunday, March 13th 2005. I had, had enough. God never gives us anything we can’t handle and last week, I could handle no longer. There was too much pain. I went to church (in Horseheads, NY) and got prayed for, for healing. From that moment, I have shaken no more. No more pain and the mental clarity, its more than tongue can tell. I am freed. I owe it all to Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior for saving me from drugs and pain not, to mention my soul. I just wanted to get that down on paper so to speak and to let everyone who reads (or new readers) my friends, and the like. To know that God is still in the healing business. This year will make it just over ten years now that I have been a Christian. Some people ask me, or ridicule me about my faith; telling me that God doesn’t exist, or prove that He does. Isn’t me living proof? From the day I was saved I made this promise to God. That since I would have died when I was young, if I didn’t stop the drugs (I had O.D. to the point of death several times by 12). Since I was going to die, to myself, I was dead. Hence, everyday that God has allows me to live on this earth is a day, that I don’t deserve. So He’s keeping me alive for some reason and I promised God that because of this I would go wherever He told me to go and do whatever He asks of me. So in the end, I guess I just want to say: If you are alone, and if you need help. Just call on him whether it is to stop a drug addiction or help pay your college loans. God is there and always will be.

Oh my where do I begin?… I think you can recall my last post was on how even in the sour of life God is sweet. “God never promised us a rose garden” I am quoting from Jay Roberts (Friend, Webmaster Extraordinaire and now T-Shirt Salesman *hint* link.) Grandfather R, I always pondered its meaning. I think I have somewhat of a grasp of it now though. On earth, in our physical bodies, when we accepted the Lord into our hearts (If you haven’t give it a try, just for a week. I guarantee you’ll never go back.) We automatically assume that life will be perfect, a rose garden in bloom but, in reality this is not the case. If one reads scripture you will come across quite a few scriptures that prove this thoroughly:

Jesus Christ before his death and resurrection said this:
“If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. 19If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. 20Remember the word that I said to you, “A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted Me, they will also persecute you. If they kept My word, they will keep yours also.” – John 15:18-20

Steven (A disciple of Christ and preacher of the word) was martyred for his beliefs
“At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their clothes at the feet of a young man named Saul.” –Acts 7:57-58

Paul and Silas (Disciples of Christ) were thrown in jail for preaching the word.
“After they had been severely flogged, they were thrown into prison, and the jailer was commanded to guard them carefully. Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks.” –Acts 16:23-25

Paul, I would say summarizes my thoughts on the Christian life here:
“We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed–always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh. So then death is working in us, but life in you.” – 2 Corinthians 4:8-12

As we can see that the Christian life is difficult and filled with trial, but “For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we may boldly say: “The LORD is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?” –Hebrews 13:5. So, what am I trying to prove? What am I trying to say? I am trying to say even with trials and difficulties in our lives we tend to look up to God and say “Where the hell are you?” “Why is this happening to me?” “If you were really God…” ect. God never said life was going to be easy but, He did say He would be with us, protect us and comfort us in times of trouble. Your times of trouble may not be facing a beating for your faith but, it maybe as simple as a failed test, a parking ticket or family troubles or illnesses. God is there, in the good and the bad, test and trial. I know that some of my readers are cringing at the length of this post but, I needed to say it. So I guess all I have to really say is, put your trust in God. Life may not be easy but, God is good.

Alright, give me a break. I know how long its been, before you yell hear me out….

I’VE BEEN IN AND OUT OF THE Dr’s, THE HOSPITAL getting all sorts of testing… and I’ve been studying my freaking ass of for each of my classes for the past few weeks. Okay? I had to give up seeing Rachael this past weekend, for health and educational issues. Mercy but, now that I am done with highlighting the past few weeks of my life I just want to tell you how good God has been to me.
So let me tell you WOT then, bok,

• This last week has been very difficult, the tremors, spasms. The basic muscles in my arms, legs and torso have proven difficult to control more and more recently. My legs have been giving out on me more and more and I have been falling a lot. I have been having a lot of dizziness, headaches and muscle aches to say the least. My neuologist has not a clue as to what is going on, all my tests results have been pretty normal.

On friday, my neurologist gave me a perscription to try and stop the tremors but, the only thing it made me do is: make me feel as a drunkard for about 4 hours and then sleep. So no help whatsoever. I was given another blood test at St. Peter’s and I will find out the results soon. I can’t complain though…

So far…My grades aren’t that bad, I am still alive, my fiance’ loves me, my kid is awsome, God is still on the throne, I have a glorious support net made up of family and friends and all my test results so far, say I have nothing life-threatening…so one can say, heck I am saying it, I live a blessed life. I have been blessed above and beyond the numerical value of folds of blessings, joy unspeakable and full of Glory, cattle on a thousand hills kind of a thing!!!

I just think of Job at times like this, for those who don’t know the story. God has given Satan total control everything of Job’s, his health (he’s very sick), his children (all killed in freak accidents), and property (burned and gone), everything…but, in all this he is faithful to God.

I mean, after all his kids were killed:

“Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. 21And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;Blessed be the name of the LORD.” - Job 1:20-21

Job’s wife even comes to him with this:
“Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!”
But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips. ” - Job 2:9 &10

I figure if Job can handle all of this what’s some shaking, memory loss and all of the other candy I mentioned earlier?!

Good Lord Glory.