August 2007

“By this time I’d-a thought I would be sleeping
in a pine box for all eternity.
My faith keeps me alive, but I still be weeping
for the saving grace that’s over me…” –Bob Dylan, Saving Grace, 1980.

I think the word grace defines my ever-present cataclysm of a Christian walk. I find myself akin to Paul as he wrote this:

“…Then last of all He was seen by me also, as by one born out of due time.
for I am the least of the apostles, who am not worthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me. Therefore, whether it was I or they, so we preach and so you believed.”

-1 Corinthians 15:8-11[NKJV]

I may not have persecuted the church but, the Lord knows I’ve done pretty much everything else. By God’s grace though He has seen us through quite a few rough spots;

God has blessed Jennifer and I more than we could have ever imagined possible. When we got married we had one thousand dollars in our pocket that 1K was for moving expenses, motel, food, rent [to an apartment we didn’t even have yet] furniture etc. We prayed though and were faithful to the Lord that He would supply our needs, and did the Lord supply our needs! After the wedding our bank account tripled, and when we drove down to Baltimore, MD we were blessed even further. The first apartment we looked at was in our price range, in a ‘good’ neighborhood. Later on that day the Lord provided for our furniture [a table, futon, queen-size bed] with little expense. Jenny and I have sought the Lord for anything and everything we need. We aren’t rich and I still am currently unemployed but, the Lord provides for us and we lack for nothing. Over and over again in my mind, I see just how much the Lord blesses me; even though I fail time and time again God shows His magnificent grace and mercy towards His stupid son. For anyone who is struggling right now: seek the Lord, His grace is there. When we are weak He is strong.

“Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” -2 Corinthians 12:8-10 [NKJV]

“…The wicked know no peace and you just can’t fake it,
there’s only one road and it leads to Calvary.
It gets discouraging at times, but I know I’ll make it
by the saving grace that’s over me.” –Bob Dylan, Saving Grace, 1980.

My Glorious, the mysteries of long past and forgotten slowly unfold from in obscurity to present in a flash. It’s funny to see the modus operandi of the Father in seemingly enigmatic ways come to life in such a full circle that, one would not even begin to fathom the depth of such circumstances. For example, I was going to a job interview last week in Columbia, MD. It was an insurance company, and I was applying for the job as an account rep. I was nervous did the interview but, insofar as to say, no job for the B-dogg. As I was driving home, I felt lost, lonely and disconsolate but most of all, missing the Adirondacks and my *compatriot; however the omnipresence and good humor of the Father shone down upon my sorry behind. As I sat at the traffic light weighting to turn onto Security Blvd, a horn honked at my car. I thought to myself ‘what on earth did I do?’ but, as I turned a man was with his son next to me in his Chevy and said “What part?” and I responded ‘what part of what?’. “New York, what part of New York are you from?” I replied, ‘from Plattsburgh, in the Adirondacks.’ All of a sudden the man’s eyes lighted up, he told me that he was from the same general area and moved here sixteen years ago, he told me that this was a wonderful place to live, and I would enjoy it.

            In that moment I stopped and smiled. You can say what you will about happenstance but, I felt the presence of God resting on myself afterward. A sense of comfort, if anyone has moved away forever from their original homeland [yes, Peaslyville is its own country.] you would feel a little lost as well. It felt as a wink to me that God was saying ‘I am even here in the scary city.’**

 I had a similar experience this week. I had to go to take my praxis exam, and as I drove out through the city and went into suburbia I found something that I had been missing for a while: trees. I pulled up into the parking lot and as I turned behind me, I saw a dazzling spectacle, mountains. I stared in awe at the two magnificent beasts rising from the earth. As I looked a breeze caught me on my left side, and all I could do was smile. I think in more than anything, I can see God in nature, in the trees, the grass and the stupendous mountains that have stood since the time of creation. I think that every once in a while God just wants to give us a little taste of paradise, to remind us that we are not of this world so; its okay if we feel that we aren’t home yet. We’ll be there soon enough though.

 “The voice said, “Cry out!”
And he said, “What shall I cry?”

“All flesh is grass,
and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.
7 The grass withers, the flower fades,
because the breath of the LORD blows upon it;
surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers, the flower fades,
but the word of our God stands forever.” –Isaiah 40:6-8 [NKJV]

*my compatriot is Jason Godzilla Roberts and yes, that semicolon is for him.

**Murder count now at: 195, in Baltimore.

…At least for a little while.

Ah, yes. The war in Iraq.

Endless fighting.

endless Killing.

Endless suffering.

endless…

I am sick of the endless debates, questions unanswered, and the will of the American people ignored.

Psalm 120

A Song of Ascents.

1 In my distress I cried to the LORD,
And He heard me.
2 Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips
And from a deceitful tongue.

3 What shall be given to you,
Or what shall be done to you,
You false tongue?
4 Sharp arrows of the warrior,
With coals of the broom tree!

5 Woe is me, that I dwell in Meshech,
That I dwell among the tents of Kedar!
6 My soul has dwelt too long
With one who hates peace.
7 I am for peace;
But when I speak, they are for war.

“…Buckets of tears
Got all them buckets comin’ out of my ears.
Buckets of moonbeams in my hand,
I got all the love, honey baby,
You can stand…” -Bob Dylan, 1975 Buckets of Rain.

It’s dry here both in the weather and my mind. It’s been a long week, and its only Wednesday. Habitual peccancy creeps into my being, as a succubus it draws me to do what I don’t want to do, as Paul said:

“…For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, Now if I do what I will not that I practice.to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.
I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.” -Romans 7:14-24

I attempt to pursue to the right thing to do but, I fail. Is it my weak flesh or my weak pursuit to the perfection of my walk with Christ? Is that one in the same? I do not know. I know what to do is right but I follow another path, it is as Paul unequivocally stated. What then, shall I allow myself to be the wretch that I am, and continue to walk into darkness; to hurt my wife, as well as my friends, and walk which is my witness?! NO. I cannot. Father, let grace walk among us, and be as bountiful as the grains of sand on the earth.

Welcome once again readers,

I know that I have had a recent dry spell over the last month or so but, I am coming back. My webmaster and, heterolifemate Jay Roberts has created this site (mahutaville.com) to push me back into the world of writing. As some of you know, I recently got married to a wonderful woman who is the love of my life, Jennifer Joslyn-Mahuta. I should have pictures of the wedding soon to post so be patient. Jen and I moved down to Baltimore, Maryland. Jenny is working on her PhD. at UMBC, and I am in occupational limbo. I am trying to get a job as a teacher here in Baltimore but, I need to take my praxis exam(s).

Currently, Jen and I live in a gated community in south Baltimore. We are the minority here but, we live in a quasi-friendly neighborhood.

Here are some highlights of our living here:

A. The police. It’s always nice to know the boys in blue are always here to protect us in Baltimore. Even though we live in one of the most dangerous cities in the U.S. (we typically have 300 murders here a year).

B. Drug dealers. Ah, yes. Drugs, it’s nice to know that if you ever need cocaine our neighbors supply it. Just last week we had a few dealers sitting in front of our building, peddling their wears in broad daylight.

C. We live near Washington D.C.. It’s nice, no complaint here.

D. People here drive worse than the Québécois. No joke. They’re idiot drivers.

All in all though, we are enjoying ourselves here. We found a nice church to go to. It’s consists of bikers, and former junkies. We all get along quite well.  I miss my friends back in Plattsburgh, NY but, I know that Jen and I know that this is where we belong.

More updates and such will follow